Thursday, March 1, 2012

this is a loner

Not him. Me. I was seeing this guy for three months. He was kind, sexy, and creative. Unfortunately, something was missing for me. Perhaps he was too young, too ingenuous, but I think it had something more to do with his role in my life.

Get out your throw up buckets: Everyone comes into your life for a reason.

(What about that asshole who cut you off, blocked a doorway, gave you gonorrhea, spit on you, etc?...he was present to build your humanity, your tolerance.)

So many times in my life, I've pushed relationships just because I thought they were what I needed, someone to complete me, someone to make me happy. Jasson came into my life when I needed that little extra push to start practicing my art. He was in school. I wanted to be in school. He was working toward "becoming" something creative. I wanted that. It was as if he was there so that I could show him what I could do. Jasson's role wasn't to be my boyfriend, but to remind me of that someone I could have become, someone full of youth and passion and courage.

We broke up today. It was difficult. He was so good to cuddle with. And we'd create things together. But it wasn't fair to him.

So I'm a loner. My brother in law called me that when I was a kid, and it's stuck with me. Ever since hearing it, I've wanted to fight against that label, and so I've forced myself to go out when I didn't want to. To be the nice guy and shake hands and smile and hold conversations that went nowhere. I'm not good around a bunch of strangers. While the solitude can become overwhelming, being the loner will help me practice my art more. And I have a lot of catching up to do.

But thank you Jasson...for getting me back on track.

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